This isn't perfection, but it wants to be.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
1:06AM - In the mix.
So yet again, here I am.
I can't really write freely on myspaace or facebook.
And I am pretty sure only Scott reads this. So... I think that writting will help me out a lot.
This isn't meant to be emo, people are so afraid of that word. But I want somewhere where I express how I feel, even if it is sad. or depressed. Why should I feel like people would judge me for that? They feel that way too.
I don't feel stuck, or unhappy. I am a generaly happy person, but I get so fucking depressed. mainly at night, when the day has calmed down. It's like a hot tub... everything is great when yoou have it running. but when you stop the bubbles and jets and everyone gets out you see all the crumby leaves and dead bugs on the bottom that you couldn't see before.
that is what night is for me. I am alone with my thoughts and my issues, and I am reluctant to solve them. It's not that I don't know how... it's that it's easier to look at Tucker max or read celeb trash on the net. It's easier to say that I am happy to everyone that i talk to than tell them that I am feeling like shit.
it's always been this way for me, a constant struggle on the fence of my emotions. I am happy, but sad. I am beautiful but so ugly to myself.
I am fascinated with myself... this time we are talking about my outward appearance. I love to look at myself while I talk on the phone, but then the very next day i'll break out into tears when i look into the mirror. I am intriqued and hateful all within 24 hours. It's always been like this, I will practicaly get off to myself... but then I will want to burn my face off. It's this constant push and pull. It's weird... but it's always been like this.
I feel better than people, but not good enough at the same time.
It is such a weird mix of emotions that I have.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
1:19AM - werd
Wow... people are still on this!?
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
12:51AM - this is hard
after so long... I am willing to admit to a few things
I am human, I have a heart... and I feel.
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
I am alive
And wooting... is that a word... IT IS NOW around town
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
10:46AM - I was like whoaaaaaaaaa
It's been an interesting couple of days... *wipes sweat off brow*
I think there has been some form of "drama" with everyone in my life on like, two days. Except maybe Nicole... haha. Ashley and I kinda went at it last night at dinner, she's dealing with a lot, and at this point in my life I can't relate. I don't know what it is like AT ALL to leace home, and I am still not sure what to do for her. I always want to help her, but I think I'll just have to let go.
Seamus, oh lord. Things are good with us but I guess someone has pictures of me kissing a guy... and he beleived that I cheated on him. After about ten mintues or yelling, a hang up and my crying, we figured it all out and we are fine. At that moment though, when we were fighting... I realized just how much he means to me... and I realized I wouldn't know what to do if he left.
Therapy is going well, I feel that I have more closure with Johnny K and that my therapist is helpful. I had to do a whole history of relationships, ans Seamus was right. I gave my heart away too many times, way too many. I did a lot of things, and even though people say that you should never have regrets... I think regret is important. I'm not talking about kneeling your way up a mountain side to repent... but it's important to know you fucked up, to be aware of what you do. I find myself more and more aware of myself, and others. I refuse to make the same mistakes again in my life. Regret and understanding what I did wrong is key in this for me.
I keep having horrible dreams though, not going to lie. I think it's because so much of my past is coming out in the open now... in the form of therapy. I had to tell Seamus last night about my rape... which I aparently never told him... I never really tell anyone I guess. I have dreams that people keep chasing me... that people keep leaving me, and I am pretty sure it's because of my past.
But all in all, today is a beautiful day, and I am going to go read and enjoy it all.
Love and Peace
Saturday, June 17, 2006
So I feel completely stuck in the middle of something, and it's really stressing me out.
Enter Scott and Seamus.
Scott is my best friend of a million years and Seamus is my boyfriend, and things don't seem to be working out between them. This is most likely one of the most shittiest feelings I've ever had. lol. So Scott has been nice enough to let Seamus stay at his place for over a week, and chill there... but from the beginning I had stress over this. I know they are both really, really strong willed people, and that there would be problems. No one seemed to listen to me though... *laughs*
Seamus and I got caught up in some "drama" that Scott was having a weekend ago, and Seamus can't seem to let his anger go. In trying to help Scott he has only annoyed him, and frustrated me. I feel like Scott can't understand Seamus'anger (it takes a certain breed to deal with it), and Seamus can't understand Scott's need for privacy. I see both because they are both close to me.
I want them to be friends, I want them to be happy with each other, because it was really nice being at Scott's place, with him, even though there was drama. I was looking forward to spending time with the both of them, and Bryan... going to the beach and hainging out. I love being with all of my friends, and integrating my boyfriend into that. But maybe this Scott and Seamus love thing I have in my head, just isn't meant to be.
Someone is going to have to back down, and I am pretty sure it's going to be me.
I basicaly just have no idea how to solve this, I try to talk to both sides, I try to smooth things over, and when I get a new resolution... it seems worse than when I started. I want everyone to be happy, because everyone in this situation means a lot to me. I don't know why a silly fight like this has turned into something so crazy. Somehow I don't really think it's about the weekend drama... somehow I think there must be a deeper reason to all this. That Bryan has become Seamus' scapegoat, and Seamus somehow represents something that Scott dis-likes.
Here's hoping... lol
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
11:49PM - I gots a ho, you want to row?
I have a lot ahead of me... but I am excited and starting to prepare myself for these events. My summer will start off perfect... with Seamus coming back up in two weeks... and then him leaving on July 9th. They say he'll be there for two years, a year, a few months. It's the army thing... the whole "yeah we are going to say this then do this then really do this... that keeps me guessing.
But he is worth it... he told me tonight "I'll be dating my vasoline in Germany... but you, if you need something I'll let you go out and find that." I was stunned. A year ago... I would have been like, sweet. But now, now that I have looked into his eyes and felt his arms around me, now that he has wiped tears away from my face and held me when I started punching him... now that I am so deeply connected with this other person, this other soul... I couldn't even think about it. It would seem so wrong... like too much candy on Easter morning. Gourging yourself with sweets... until you lay stunned and sick in front of the TV, watching the Easter Bunny on a float, wishing you had more self control.
I'll tell you right now... it wont be easy. It will be much harder than I can imagine at this point and time... but it would be much harder and much more painful for me to leave, to hurt him, to never hear his voice again. I love him too deeply, too much to ever leave... even though I can get pissed off from time to time.
Oh yeah, and we made out in front of like, 12 Amish people. now that, THAT is katie really being in love... Ashley knows what I'm saying. And one of the little kids had light up shoes... I couldn't help but wonder if at night when they needed a light they would just steal the five-year-old's shoes... in the middle of the night. Picture the dad needing to take a crap and using the shoes to get out to the light house. I am sure they don't... but damn I wish they did.
Friday, June 9, 2006
Wednesday, June 7, 2006
12:32PM - Whole lotta love
Okay, it's not like a ton of people read this... but Myspace blog was down so, here I am at my good ol' LJ. I think I've been on this for four years now, eat that. haha
Seamus gets in town tommorow night, and although excited I am containing myself. I try not to think about it, because I have thought about tommorow for four months now. Every single night without fail. If you want to meet him, basicaly the rule is get ahold of me and we'll do that. If people want to meet him badly enough... they'll make an effort. Other than a select few that I will seek out, it's all Greek to me.
Things have been going well, I had my second apt. with my therapist yesterday, and I finaly get what a "breakthrough" means. Next week we'll be exploring past realtionships. I am doing this so I can make damn sure that my fucked up past wont fuck up my future. So that it wont hurt Seamus and I, becuase he is so dear to me... I never want to hurt that relationship. that's why I've been more than faithful to him, and will continue to do so. Have I had instances where I could have cheated on him? Every day man... honest. But the thing is, I proved that I have changed. That Change is possible when you are willing. I am more than willing.
I have also begun to look at my relationships in a different light. These past four months I have "secretly" been all about my own self-improvement and betterment. Scott goes hand in hand with this. although I still think it's cool, and funny that he eats so much damn granoloa and yougurt... I admire him for loving his body that much, and that totaly rubs off on me. but I also realized his goals aren't my goals. I am a woman, female, and I have to take care of my body in the way I see fit, just like he does. I am realy really starting to love myself. To be comforatable with every little part of me, and to embrace that. And I have to give some credit, major credit to Mr. Scott.
Also, I think him and I are really realizing how much we mean to eachother. Although we have lots of great friends... we have something so different. I told him the other day in the car that we aren't just friends. We share life. I love just to live with him, to be a little normal and a little boring at times, because we make it fun. I'll miss him when he temporarily peaces out to FL, but it wont be hard. Because we've been friends for so long, that it wont even be that big of a deal. He'll have the best time, and so will I. And when it's all said and done, we can re-group and be Katie and Scott. That's just how it works.
This summer is going well, a lot of working... a lot of thinking. I've been reading almost every single day twice a day, and I am just looking forward to loving myself more tommorow, and the day after that.
Oh yeah, and making out with Seamus.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
So basicaly I feel a whole... wrapping up moment.
Theses last few months (as in about 6) I have been throught a lot, but nothing truly tragic. Bad isn't so bad anymore, and I can't explain why. I did SO much, how can I be sad? marching band, dating John (in the end I learned some cool shit) the experience with Kevin hurt but it showed me I had no self worth which i changed, then... Seamus.
Alright, so this is basicaly what I told Brandon. He commented that he didn't agree so much with Seamus and I, although I assume he said that to test me more or less. But the thing is... I don't really care what anyone thinks. With all of my other loves interests I cared DEEPLY about what Scott or Ashley thought, what peopel thought. If they end up hating him when he comes up... that pretty much sucks for them. Now, I wont go into the whole "he completes me" ordeal. At this point in my life... I think you and God are the only two things that can complete you. Seamus can't complete me. Fuck, Brad Pitt couldn't. But the thing is... Seamus makes life beautiful, he makes it funny, he makes me smile EVERY day. There isn't a time when I don't think of him that I don't laugh, or smile (or get horny... ahem) He gets me. He gets the inflections in my voice, my laughs, my sighs... my little signals that I don't even TRY to put out there... I feel very connected to him. In a way that is hard to explain. For once I am so confident in my relationship that I bring everyone into it... expecialy God. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for Seamus... for his life. God is very much a part of our relationship... we aren't perfect... very far from. But we both are religious and respect religion. We are more religious than not, and that makes the difference. I have noticed it... I am convinced it is why I trust him and don't worry (so much) Without God... I don't think we can get through this... I know I can't. Without my church group, cheering us on verbally and with prayers... I couldn't do this. It is a power that I have never felt before... and I love it.
I notice the power in our prayers... I notice the power in our company as Christians. I am still not sure as to what to do with all of this "knowledge" I am not sure where I want to go with all of this new found spirituality. But I know it intrigues me, and I for the most part love it very very much.
Oh, and I went to crystal ball last night... most likely the best dance almost ever. *laughs* I'll never forget it as long as I live... hehe
Thursday, May 18, 2006
8:10AM - 20 days
It's pretty early but I had a dream about Seamus and couldn't get back to sleep, not a bad dream... I am just excited because it's 20 days until he comes :) We are all getting ready for him man.
SO... Ashley and I are going to Birthday Bash... (laughs) and I am really exicted. Mainly because we get to buy new outfits for it, and we are going to try to drag Seamus
"Why are you guys wearing cowboy hats?"
Ashley and I got to hang out last night, and we are going to a BBQ for my group in church tonight... I am super excited to go!
Scott Munn the un-fun and I got to chill the other night... I missed hanging out with him SO much... and can't wait to do more of it this summer!
Peace and Love
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Seamus sent his dogtags to me today!
I almost shit myself, and honestly didn't know what to do at first, Ashley can contest to that.
They smell so good, and I am assuming it is from him. I don't think the Army has the budget to spend on scented dogtags... they usualy like to spend money on "blow-up-ables"
*smiles* I am the luckiest girl in this cowtown.
Friday, May 12, 2006
A year ago...
Drew was nice. I was graduating High School, I had no job, I thought my life was set.
Drew is an asshole (thanks Uncle Sam) I am a Sophmore in college, I have a pretty rad job, my life is set... only because I am starting to know who I am, I have an amazing boyfriend.
Upgrade for sure my friends. It's 2..7 (but we are going to say 26 because it's almost midnight) until Seamus comes. It was Mattawan fest up at work today. I saw Kathy, Morgan, and Charllotte Rogers... It was nice for once. Usualy I avoid Mattawan grads or people who go there like the plauge (and I mean the plauge) Ashley and I will walk the opposite way from where we are going and hide out in a corner until the Mattawan grad has passed in the mall.
I think it's because my life had no validation there, and I don't want to do the whole "OMG! how are you?" Granted, I really was happy to see the people I did today... but some, you never want to see again.
A year ago, I was in High School. They tell you things will change... that your life is just starting. It's true. High school seems about as far away as China. It feels like I never even went there. And that... is most likely the best graduation gift I could of ever gotten!
There are many things the same... since before I was ever a 9th grader though. I still love Sex and the City, I still try to convert people to that show (Like Ashley) I still love love, and I am still THE MOST complicated person that I know.
And I love that.
Tuesday, May 9, 2006
11:27PM - My eye itches
So, summer my friends!
29 days until Seamus comes up baby! woot
So, here is my new thing. I still feel myself becoming more distant from some people, but much closer to ohers. I am not sure if the closer people provide what I need with my relationship, my work, my life... or if at this point and time in my life I just am attracted to them. (in a friend way that is)
I've always switched around friends... Kira would joke about it all the time, "friends on odd years, not talking on evens" she would laugh. But that didn't mean I didn't love her, I still do. I still love a lot of people, I just don't feel like they... FIT.
I feel like, yet again, a boy... er man... haha (yes, he's a man... woot) has distanced me from certain friends... but got my extremely close to others. Ashley and I have grown to a new level of close. I share things with her that are freaky, funny, and shit I wouldn't tell anyone. Brandon, JB, and Danny and I are close... well for the most part. My mum and I are close, and so are my dad and I... that is something very new to me.
I just don't want to be a bad person, or boring person to others. Nicole and maybe Scott are leaving for a few months, and a lot of months... a part of me really wonders what they'll be like, what I'll be like when they get back. I want them to go, do the life thing, but I wonder how hard or easy it will be when they get back.
There will come a time for me, maybe a little sooner than we all think, to leave. To be with other people in another place.
It's hard to have fun here, now... when I am not here and now. I am far away... I know Ashley knows this for the most part. As much as I want to... it's hard to control. It's hard NOT to have your heart withsomeone... who steals you away.
Like I told Ash... I have a feeling things are going to change drasticaly in 29 days. In a beautiful way, in ways I can't even explain... for I am not yet a great writter. And great things will happen.
I want this summer to be great, a beautiful summer full of learning (off school that is) the beach, freinds, Seamus... just wonderful things.
I just don't want to leave anyone behind... or be left behind.
In a lot of my relationships, because of my actions, I am left behind.
Frankly, it sucks... because I know it's my actions that get me there.
Tuesday, May 2, 2006
4:01PM - my nose itches
Finals are ALMOST over... oh yes, I am doing well on them... so far so good *knock on wood*
Five weeks until Seamus comes, I am so excited and so ready to see him. I am still waiting for his Mum to mail pics of him and the necklace.
But he sent me his sharpshooter medal and I got it yesterday... and i turned it into a pretty rad necklace.
Monday, May 1, 2006
Hello... I am at KVCC with my buddy Jb and he has the shits.
JB says microwaveable bacon and sauasge is bad for the intestinal tract.
That is your lesson for the day.
K-T and Poop-E
(Ps Ashely loves my pooper)
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Ow... I am dying my hair right now (blonde... duh) and it burns... hmmmm, I try so hard. lol
Things are good, I get to hang out with Bretty today! We are going to Fazoli's and I can't wait to see that kid, he is such a doll. If he was gay, I would want him to be my future son... LOL.
That is all
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Things have been good (noticing a pattern eh? eh? okay...) although this cold is hangin' on with all it's might. She's a stubborn body, mine is.
I don't have to work until sat. so that is def the best thing ever since I have to ready my poem compliation today for tommorow, and also try to get published (laughs like that will happen) but it's required in my class that I try... woo!
I have to give a presenation that I was supposed to write a paper for, but didn't. I am assuming Seamus would start shaking me at this point, but... he wont find out unless he reads this in six weeks. COME ON! I have two weeks and this teacher is nice, but a joke. So I just brought in my Van Gogh book, people like that shit. I can tell them how he was my artistic hero... blah blah, got me through hard times, blah. Art majors at valley are such bullshit.
I can watch Oprah today though, that is a huge bonus. (It makes Seamus laugh that I love Dr. Phil and Oprah... Ashley... wait til I tell him about pil pil... Maybe you should bring it up and I'll act all cute and embarassed? lol)
my shoes are cute... can that bring my grade up? I think it should. I bet they are the cutest shoes in valley today... and if not a close second. haha. Yay blowing my paycheck like Carrie Bradshaw.
No, seriously... I have to start saving.. on account I have no money... lol.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Okay, so this is what is up, Katie style
My internet is being a dumb shit, and I don't have the time or brains to fix it, so here I am at valley again.
Seamus and I got to talk this weekend, even though he got wasted the first night and passed out ON THE PHONE, and I had to call the front desk at his hotel to make sure he didn't drown in vomit or something equally rockstar. But they said he was just passed the fuck out, this ghetto girl Ginger at the fron desk was like, "hunney, they just came back from the bar, and he had to be carried out" IRISH! There are some downsides to it. I told him I am the sane one because I am not all Irish (swedish, norweigian, and austrian) and I told him there is no hope for him to ever be all there because of his blood, he just laughed and agreed.
But he bought me a necklace and I had a great talk with his mum, I am really lucky, and I am starting to see that. Just as long as I can hang in here and trust him... we'll be fine. Maggie said he called, which sends daggers into my heart (drew rings in my head) but... Seamus has been nervous about me a lot... all I do is hang out with guys... even if they are gay. I know I just have to get over it, and trust in what he says.
Ashley and brandon broke up, and I have been trying to be there for her around the clock (i mean around the clock too) I want to be there for her more than anything... I love her more than she'll ever know, but it is taking it's toll, mainly making me want to kill him more and more. I have endless energy, but not endless forgivness. That kid, trust me, WILL get his, and hopefully from God and fate, cause that always hurts the most.
Or maybe the wrath of Seamus? Excuse me, Private McClure.
I called him McClure jokingly and he freaked out, it was so funny.
And by the way Scott, I told him about our douche bag fight, and rave showers... I am not quite sure he is ready to chill with Diggy and Shapam for a week, but he'll get over it... haha
And I told him about the Tri-Ginger, and he says he is the fucking champ at beer pong (I feel a buuurrrr rumble coming on!)
Life is good, but I have gas... haha
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